How to spot a retiree

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Comedian Jeff Foxworthy has made a nice living from his shtick “You might be a redneck if…….” As in, “You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.”

What Mr. Foxworthy has done for rednecks, I’d like to do for retired guys. As a retired guy, I’ve begun to notice that most of us have similar traits, characteristics and lifestyles that seem to quickly identify us as superannuated. Thus, you might be retired if:

You put your garbage out two days before it’s ready to be picked up.

You re-mow your lawn.

With age comes wisdom…..sort of

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Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned since turning 65:

I miss my old job like I miss the flu.

I envy the strength of a teenage male’s urine flow rather than his sexual prowess.

You can live on less than you thought.

Why use a harsh word when a threat of legal action will do?

When you’re retired, you’ve got all the time in the world to deal with customer service reps.

Love like you’ve been hurt, sing only under protest and don’t dance regardless of who’s watching particularly if you don’t want to throw your…

With more age comes more wisdom….sort of

Photo of the 71-year-old author

Since writing “What I’ve Learned at 65”, I’ve added five more years and learned even more as in:

I’d rather be 65.

I still miss my old job like I miss the flu.

At 70, routine is king.

There’s a big difference between prostate and prostrate.

You spend way too much time on WebMD.

Any hair lost on the head seems to magically reappear on the back.

Bend over slowly or you might not get up.

If you always look up at the stars you may miss the dog poop at your feet.

It’s even odds whether you outlive your…

How can so many Americans overlook his flawed personality?

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Personally, I find Donald Trump to be a dangerously narcissistic miscreant who should not be given any authority over others, much less be allowed back in the White House. That, in my view, is an easy conclusion to reach.

What’s far more troubling to me is that Mr. Trump continues to garner the support of upwards of 40% of the American electorate. How can that possibly be? Are these folks totally ignorant of the man’s foibles and shortcomings? Do they side with him because of or in spite of his failings?

It is a sad reflection on American society and…

We miss you so

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With apologies to Frederick E. Weatherly

Oh, Donnie boy, the polls, the polls are closing

From Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon.

The voting’s done and all the votes are counted,

It’s you, it’s you must go, not Joe Biden.

But come ye back when Biden’s term is over,

Or when the courts all say that you must go,

You’ll once again be clothed in fields of clover,

Oh, Donnie boy, oh Donnie boy we’ll miss you so.

But when you’re back and you’re no longer crying,

And we are ready, as ready as can be,

You’ll return and start in…

Competitions I’d like to see.

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Notwithstanding the pandemic, apparently the Japan Olympics are going to proceed. I’m sure there will be millions if not billions of viewers of the Games worldwide but I won’t be one of them. You see, I’m a full-fledged septuagenarian and I’m really not that interested in the athletic endeavors of a bunch of elite athletes in their twenties.

If the TV networks and the International Olympic Committee want to attract my interest, it’s time to introduce something I’m calling the Senior Olympics. These Golden Ager Games will include all manner of events that I and my cohort can relate to…

Mitch McConnell defends Beelzebub

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TO: The Senate Republican Conference

FROM: The Honorable Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader

RE: The Devil a.k.a. Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer et al.

Recently some Democrats have been accusing us of supporting the Devil. They claim that his actions are so egregious that we should be speaking up and condemning him. They say that we are enabling him in his hellish actions.

Nothing, however, could be farther from the truth. As Mephistopheles might have said: “This is all fake news.”

We are devoted Christians and hence by definition cannot be devil worshippers. That is not to say that we will…

As told by an experienced three-year-old

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I just turned three and I have to admit, life is pretty good. I do what I want and my every wish is my parents’ command.

But this cushy lifestyle didn’t just happen; it took a lot of work. For as long as I can remember, my Mom and Dad have been trying to control my behavior. And for just as long, I’ve had to set them straight.

For some unknown reason, parents insist on trying to manipulate toddlers. But as cute and entertaining as parents can be, you can’t let them get their way. …

Time to kick in for the younger generations

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In case you missed it (and I did, probably because I was napping), October 1st was the International Day for Older Persons. Designated by the United Nations back in 1990, this annual event is meant to help “promote the development of a society for all ages.”

The underlying assumption of this initiative seems to be that old folks are disadvantaged and need help. While this may be true in some parts of the world, in the West it no longer applies.

I might be betraying my demographic but I think it’s time we seniors started asking for less. For years…

New euphemisms for sexual intercourse

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If I were a carpenter, an electrician or a plumber, I’d be concerned with an egregious misuse of the English language that tarnishes the image of these fine tradespersons. I’m speaking, of course, of the unfair adoption of construction terms as euphemisms for sexual intercourse.

Think about it. When it comes to non-explicit phraseology for the physical act of love, one occupational group is disproportionately represented.

There is a wealth of worksite terms that do double duty. From “nail” to “drill” to “screw”, it seems like just about any hard hat work function has a seamy double entendre.

“Pumping”, “banging”…

David Martin

David Martin has published several humor collections including “Dare to be Average” and “Screams and Whispers”, all of which are available on Amazon.

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