Comedian Jeff Foxworthy has made a nice living from his shtick “You might be a redneck if…….” As in, “You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.”
What Mr. Foxworthy has done for rednecks, I’d like to do for retired guys. As a retired guy, I’ve begun to notice that most of us have similar traits, characteristics and lifestyles that seem to quickly identify us as superannuated. Thus, you might be retired if:
You put your garbage out two days before it’s ready to be picked up.
You re-mow your lawn.
Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned since turning 65:
I miss my old job like I miss the flu.
I envy the strength of a teenage male’s urine flow rather than his sexual prowess.
You can live on less than you thought.
Why use a harsh word when a threat of legal action will do?
When you’re retired, you’ve got all the time in the world to deal with customer service reps.
Love like you’ve been hurt, sing only under protest and don’t dance regardless of who’s watching particularly if you don’t want to throw your…
Since writing “What I’ve Learned at 65”, I’ve added five more years and learned even more as in:
I’d rather be 65.
I still miss my old job like I miss the flu.
At 70, routine is king.
There’s a big difference between prostate and prostrate.
You spend way too much time on WebMD.
Any hair lost on the head seems to magically reappear on the back.
Bend over slowly or you might not get up.
If you always look up at the stars you may miss the dog poop at your feet.
It’s even odds whether you outlive your…
Eleven years ago, I retired from the Canadian federal government. After 28 years of service to Her Majesty, frankly, I was ready to go.
It’s not that I didn’t appreciate my job. It involved interesting work and came with good pay and benefits. But, like most people, I eventually found myself tiring of the routine.
So it was with a great deal of relief and a whole lot of anticipation that I called it quits and left the public service for the peace and quiet of retirement. Or at least that’s what I thought when I gave my notice.
Dear American reader,
For far too many years, you have been made to feel embarrassed regarding your appalling lack of knowledge about Canada. All too often, the media — especially the Canadian media — have reveled in exposing your ignorance of your northern neighbor.
Well it’s time you struck back. And here’s how to do it with the following little-known facts about Canada that even most Canadians don’t know:
Maple syrup does not come from the sap of sugar maple trees. Rather, there is one huge factory in northern Ontario that produces the nation’s entire supply from scratch. …
DEATH NOTICE: Democracy, American (a.k.a. Representative Government)
On January 6, 2021, American Democracy died a painful death in Washington, D. C. after a long battle with a series of severe “–isms” including nativism, militarism, racism and corporatism. She was 245 years old.
Born on July 4, 1776, Democracy lived a long, fruitful life although, in her later years, she suffered from numerous ailments including gerrymandering, pork barreling, vote buying and influence peddling.
In her early days, American Democracy was somewhat fragile. She was unable or unwilling to extend the franchise to slaves and women and was apparently not strong enough…
To the Medium Overlords,
As a loyal Medium writer, I wish to do my part to facilitate the efficient distribution of prize money for the Medium Writers Challenge Contest. As I’m sure you know by now, I always put Medium first.
The September 21st deadline for initial judging has passed and it’s now time to separate the wheat from the chaff and identify the four finalists and the one grand prize winner.
No doubt there were thousands of entries in each of the four categories which ordinarily would entail enormous effort by various judging panels. In fact, you recently announced…
The first fifty times I heard “OK Boomer” I thought it was pretty funny. But now it definitely has lost its luster and grates on my nerves. I figure it’s now time to defend my generation from that most egregious of insults: “Why do you still have a landline?”
Sure, superficially it looks like an oldster having and paying for a landline is the stupidest, lamest thing in the world next to having a second fire extinguisher in the kitchen. …
Sports are replete with statistics which quickly and accurately assess the performance of individual participants. Consider baseball where a batter’s prowess can be measured in various ways including his batting average (BA), his slugging average (SA) and his on-base percentage (OBP). Likewise, a pitcher knows where he stands based on his earned run average (ERA), strikeout-to-walk ratio (K/BB) and walks and hits per inning pitched (WHIP).
When it comes to my everyday life, however, I have been sadly lacking in tools to measure my day-to-day performance. Isn’t it time we also incorporated statistical calculations to see how we’re doing?
In an attempt to enjoy some quality family vacation time, some years ago my wife Cheryl, my seven-year-old daughter Sarah and I headed to an African safari park. With Sarah’s friend Bridget in tow, we headed out on our three-hour journey and arrived at our destination shortly after noon.
Before embarking on our African adventure, we enjoyed a restful picnic lunch next to the parking lot. To our right, we could see the start of the drive-thru animal sanctuary. To our left, we could make out the amusement park complete with rides and a water slide. …