Without looking at your birth certificate — Maybe you’ve accepted your septuagenarian status or maybe you’re in denial about your advancing years. Either way, here are a few undeniable clues you’re getting old: As a kid, you’ll bend down to pick up a penny. As you get older, your pick-it-off-the-ground threshold changes. By early adulthood, you’ll probably…

The male edition — The pre-conception stage Your wife is trying to get pregnant and it’s Christmas and New Year’s rolled into one for you. Your teenage fantasy is finally coming true: a woman, namely your wife, is insisting you have sex with her on an almost daily basis. She’s obsessed with cycles and optimizing ovulation. You’re…

Know no bounds — Republican hypocrites: -Spend more on protecting the “unborn” than on helping children living in poverty. -Favor thoughts and prayers over reasonable gun controls. -Promote democracy by supporting voting restrictions, voter suppression, and gerrymandering. -Support family values except for Donald Trump. -Invade Iraq without cause but waffle in their support of…

What’s this about my debt limit? — Dear Visa Inc.: I am shocked, shocked to receive your latest letter suggesting that I am engaged in some form of gambling. This looks like the end of what I thought was a beautiful friendship. For years, I charged anything and everything to my credit card, heedless of an arbitrary…

What happens when there’s a spam fight — Comments thread for a recent online newspaper op-ed: Politicsguy27: Your editorial staff should be embarrassed for having published this tripe. Donald Trump is a great man and the potential savior of America. If I had a subscription to your paper, I would cancel it. Soothsayer15: Who are you kidding, Politicsguy27…

Handy household hints for males — Those of a certain age will fondly remember the original “Hints from Heloise” syndicated newspaper column that provided handy household tips to housewives. Now that we men have taken on a bigger share of chores around the home, it’s time to provide some easy-to-use advice for us, too. Advice I…

We’re in for a world of hurt — If Donald Trump wins the presidency again, he’ll: Be only the second president after Grover Cleveland to win split terms. Claim it’s his third term. Likely be the first president to serve prison time while in office. Pardon himself and ensure his pardon power applies to state convictions as well…

If you say so — It all began with a car accident in January. Driving in snowy and icy conditions, my car spun out and plowed into an oncoming vehicle. The front end of my car on the passenger side was totaled. The impact of the crash left me with two broken legs and a…

What’s necessary for your senior’s toolbox — I love duct tape. When it comes to home repairs, duct tape is the universal solvent of the over-70, not-so-handyman world that I inhabit. From the lint catcher on the clothes dryer to the tail light on the car, this magical material can hold just about anything together. But for…