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David Martin
David Martin

2.7K Followers

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Screams and Whispers: 69 Humor Pieces Rejected by the New Yorker
Screams and Whispers: 69 Humor Pieces Rejected by the New Yorker

"Screams & Whispers" is a collection of Dave Martin's previously published literary humor pieces.

2013

·
David Martin
David Martin

Stories

Published in

Crow’s Feet

·Pinned

What I’ve Learned At 65

With age comes wisdom…..sort of — Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned since turning 65: I miss my old job like I miss the flu. I envy the strength of a teenage male’s urine flow rather than his sexual prowess. You can live on less than you thought. Why use a harsh…

Humor

3 min read

What I’ve Learned At 65
What I’ve Learned At 65
Humor

3 min read


Published in

Crow’s Feet

·Pinned

How to Tell You’re Over 70

Without looking at your birth certificate — Maybe you’ve accepted your septuagenarian status or maybe you’re in denial about your advancing years. Either way, here are a few undeniable clues you’re getting old: As a kid, you’ll bend down to pick up a penny. As you get older, your pick-it-off-the-ground threshold changes. By early adulthood, you’ll probably…

Aging

3 min read

How to Tell You’re Over 70
How to Tell You’re Over 70
Aging

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·21 hours ago

What to Expect When You’re Expecting

The male edition — The pre-conception stage Your wife is trying to get pregnant and it’s Christmas and New Year’s rolled into one for you. Your teenage fantasy is finally coming true: a woman, namely your wife, is insisting you have sex with her on an almost daily basis. She’s obsessed with cycles and optimizing ovulation. You’re…

Pregnancy

3 min read

What to Expect When You’re Expecting
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Pregnancy

3 min read


Published in

The Left Is Right

·2 days ago

Republican Hypocrites

Know no bounds — Republican hypocrites: -Spend more on protecting the “unborn” than on helping children living in poverty. -Favor thoughts and prayers over reasonable gun controls. -Promote democracy by supporting voting restrictions, voter suppression, and gerrymandering. -Support family values except for Donald Trump. -Invade Iraq without cause but waffle in their support of…

Republicans

2 min read

Republican Hypocrites
Republican Hypocrites
Republicans

2 min read


Published in

The Left Is Right

·6 days ago

Dear Visa Inc.

What’s this about my debt limit? — Dear Visa Inc.: I am shocked, shocked to receive your latest letter suggesting that I am engaged in some form of gambling. This looks like the end of what I thought was a beautiful friendship. For years, I charged anything and everything to my credit card, heedless of an arbitrary…

Political Satire

3 min read

Dear Visa Inc.
Dear Visa Inc.
Political Satire

3 min read


Published in

The Haven

·May 29

A New Comments Thread

What happens when there’s a spam fight — Comments thread for a recent online newspaper op-ed: Politicsguy27: Your editorial staff should be embarrassed for having published this tripe. Donald Trump is a great man and the potential savior of America. If I had a subscription to your paper, I would cancel it. Soothsayer15: Who are you kidding, Politicsguy27…

Op Ed

2 min read

A New Comments Thread
A New Comments Thread
Op Ed

2 min read


Published in

Crow’s Feet

·May 26

Dos and Don’ts from Dave

Handy household hints for males — Those of a certain age will fondly remember the original “Hints from Heloise” syndicated newspaper column that provided handy household tips to housewives. Now that we men have taken on a bigger share of chores around the home, it’s time to provide some easy-to-use advice for us, too. …

Cleaning

3 min read

Dos and Don’ts from Dave
Dos and Don’ts from Dave
Cleaning

3 min read


Published in

The Left Is Right

·May 24

If Trump Wins Again

We’re in for a world of hurt — If Donald Trump wins the presidency again, he’ll: Be only the second president after Grover Cleveland to win split terms. Claim it’s his third term. Likely be the first president to serve prison time while in office. Pardon himself and ensure his pardon power applies to state convictions as well…

Trump

2 min read

If Trump Wins Again
If Trump Wins Again
Trump

2 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·May 22

One Lucky Guy

If you say so — It all began with a car accident in January. Driving in snowy and icy conditions, my car spun out and plowed into an oncoming vehicle. The front end of my car on the passenger side was totaled. The impact of the crash left me with two broken legs and a…

Irony

4 min read

One Lucky Guy
One Lucky Guy
Irony

4 min read


Published in

Crow’s Feet

·May 20

On Beyond Duct Tape

What’s necessary for your senior’s toolbox — I love duct tape. When it comes to home repairs, duct tape is the universal solvent of the over-70, not-so-handyman world that I inhabit. From the lint catcher on the clothes dryer to the tail light on the car, this magical material can hold just about anything together. But for…

Tools

3 min read

On Beyond Duct Tape
On Beyond Duct Tape
Tools

3 min read

David Martin

David Martin

2.7K Followers

Book Author

Wordsmith, humorist and author of “Dare to be Average” on Amazon. Support Dave’s writing by joining Medium: https://daretobeaverage.medium.com/membership

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