How to spot a retiree

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Comedian Jeff Foxworthy has made a nice living from his shtick “You might be a redneck if…….” As in, “You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.”

What Mr. Foxworthy has done for rednecks, I’d like to do for retired guys. As a retired guy, I’ve begun to notice that most of us have similar traits, characteristics and lifestyles that seem to quickly identify us as superannuated. Thus, you might be retired if:

You put your garbage out two days before it’s ready to be picked up.

You re-mow your lawn.


With age comes wisdom…..sort of

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Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned since turning 65:

I miss my old job like I miss the flu.

I envy the strength of a teenage male’s urine flow rather than his sexual prowess.

You can live on less than you thought.

Why use a harsh word when a threat of legal action will do?

When you’re retired, you’ve got all the time in the world to deal with customer service reps.

Love like you’ve been hurt, sing only under protest and don’t dance regardless of who’s watching particularly if you don’t want to throw your…


With more age comes more wisdom….sort of

Photo of the 71-year-old author

Since writing “What I’ve Learned at 65”, I’ve added five more years and learned even more as in:

I’d rather be 65.

I still miss my old job like I miss the flu.

At 70, routine is king.

There’s a big difference between prostate and prostrate.

You spend way too much time on WebMD.

Any hair lost on the head seems to magically reappear on the back.

Bend over slowly or you might not get up.

If you always look up at the stars you may miss the dog poop at your feet.

It’s even odds whether you outlive your…


Missing out on grandparents

Photo of the author’s parents

One of my greatest regrets is that my parents didn’t live long enough to see my daughter Sarah. She is the granddaughter they never had.

It’s hard to know who is more to blame, my parents for dying relatively young in their 60s or me for delaying parenthood until I was 45. But whoever’s to blame, there’s plenty of unplanned loss for everyone involved.

My mom, who passed away in 1993 at age 69, missed out on having a granddaughter though she did experience the joys of having a grandson, my nephew Elliot. …


My second attempt at left-hand driving

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My wife Cheryl and I settled on a two-week British adventure: one week in London and a second week driving around southern England.

Despite having driven in England once before, doubts started to creep into my thoughts about one minute after booking the trip. Would a 64-year-old brain still retain the ability to drive on the left acquired years ago? The answer turned out to be “sort of.”

At the end of our week in London, we picked up our car at Heathrow. …


TALKING MACHINES

The modern world of interactive vending machines

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“You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company for this!”

- Keenan Wynn as Lt. Bat Guano in Dr. Strangelove

Twenty years ago, The Coca-Cola Company announced that it was developing vending machines that could automatically raise prices on hot days. Consumers were outraged but without justification.

This wasn’t a case of the insidious misuse of computer chips and thermostats to fleece the public. Rather, it was a case of the Coca-Cola Company using modern technology to give vending machines the same advantage salespeople have had since Adam and Eve bought a reduced price apple in the Garden of…


In which Donald Trump returns to reality TV

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MEMORANDUM

TO: Donald J. Trump

FROM: Mark Burnett

RE: Proposed new series

Long time no see since we finished our partnership on The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice. I heard that you landed on your feet and were even able to secure a four-year televised gig called The White House.

Anyway, I’m writing you because I hear you’re kind of at loose ends and that means you might want to consider a TV project that I think could be right up your alley.

Remember that show The Biggest Loser that was airing the same time as your super-successful run on The…


Like ‘When do I get a pass on exercise?’

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

Most people seeing their doctor have a list of questions about recommended medications and treatments, questions such as how many pills to take and what activities are permitted or prohibited. My list of questions is somewhat different:

Is it OK to lie on the sofa and watch TV?

If so, what shows would you recommend?

If one dose is good, is a double dose twice as good?

Which combination of meds should I take to simulate being stoned?

How many repeats on a medical marijuana Rx?

If red wine is good for you, what type and vintage is best?

Can…


And they had nothing to do with golf

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I recently read Sarah Cords’ excellent piece “Rich People Are Cheap.” I learned that lesson myself over fifty years ago at the Royal Montreal Golf Club as a bar waiter and a bartender. RMGC is and was Montreal’s most prestigious golf club whose members comprise the city’s elite: doctors, lawyers, judges and industrialists.

And how did society’s créme de la créme treat their employees? Our salary was $180–$200 a month including room and board in a rundown staff dormitory. We worked split shifts six days a week and, worst of all, there was no tipping.

I soon learned that the…


And it’s not just about sex

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This is not a paean to aging or a discourse on why we should treasure our so-called “golden years.” I’m not a glass-half-full kind of guy so I’m not a great candidate for penning such a work.

After all, I’m already suffering the ravages of time including GERD, two shot hips and a low-grade prostate cancer. Unlike some eager-beaver septuagenarians, I’m not going to try to convince you that turning 70 was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But I’m also not going to depress you with my litany of age-related defects to the point you’ll be reaching…

David Martin

David Martin has published several humor collections including “Dare to be Average” and “Screams and Whispers”, all of which are available on Amazon.

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